Oh Baby Baby it's a Wildwood.

            “Yes, thank you. Yes, I got the email just now. Okay, thanks again. Bye.” Lauren had been on the phone for the last 20 minutes trying to cancel their motel reservation without being charged. She had been awake for approximately half an hour and was already ready for a nap. There was a tapping at her window, and she turned to see her father starring at her. “How’d it go?” he asked loudly through the glass. Lauren rolled down the window, “Fine, no charge.” She said, and her father looked relieved. “Listen, you’d better go inside. I think your mother’s in love.”

            Lauren let out a breath and smiled, as she rolled up the window. She turned off the car and followed her father into the motel office across the street. Actually she followed him to the wrong side of the motel before he remembered which direction the office was actually in. The motel they originally booked had turned out to be in receivership. The pool was drained and there was no television and her mother would have none of that. This had been their third attempt of the morning, and she was glad to hear Nancy was satisfied at last.

            “Lauren! Glad you could join us.” The manager greeted her as they entered the lobby. She laughed to herself, not questioning why he already knew her name. Her parents left an impression wherever they went and, while that could definitely be annoying, it always provided some decent entertainment.

            “Glad to be here!” she smiled back at him. “So,” she turned to her mother, “What’s the plan?” Nancy turned and beamed at her. “Two separate rooms, televisions in both, fold out queen couch in yours. TV works. We can’t check in until two, but we can use the pool anytime. And free parking! Plus it’s the same price as that shitty first motel you found for us.” Ouch. Actually she had found the hotel through booking, and they had neglected to inform everyone with a reservation of the motels current situation, hence the free refund. But she had learned a long time ago to let her mothers cheap shots go. It was just the way Nanc was.

            “Done!” Lauren said, handing her credit card to the lady behind the counter. “Dad, you should probably move the car, unless you put money in the meter. There’re some spots right out here.” She said pointing out the window to her left. “Sounds good.” He said walking into the door before realizing you had to pull it open. There was a fifty percent chance he wouldn’t find the spot, but Phil was a man who needed to stay busy, and she was willing to risk it.

            As Lauren filled out the paperwork Nanc handed her some cash for half the price of the original motel. A few minutes later Phil came back inside saying, “Hun, I couldn’t find a spot, were are they again?” Lauren looked at the three empty spots outside the window, then back to her father. The motel manager smiled and smoothly stepped in. Nothing but the best for the Pappas’s, come on Phil, you can have my personal spot. Phil looked ecstatic. ‘Well played sir,’ Lauren thought to herself as she finished up at the desk. Signing the receipt she noticed the bill was a hundred dollars more then the previous place, but shrugged it off. Everyone seemed happy, and that in itself was worth a hundred bucks.

            Her father and the manager came back in laughing as the lady behind the desk handed her the key cards. “Now,” Nanc said, “Where can I get a margarita?” The lady behind the desk gave them several options. “But they’re probably not open yet,” she said. Nancy looked incredulous, “Why not?” she scoffed. “Because it’s 9:30 in the morning.” The manager said. Lauren met his eyes and they both laughed. “Come on, let’s walk a little, we’ll find a place.” Lauren said, escorting her parents out the door and in the direction of the boardwalk. She smiled to herself as they set off into the unknown.

XXX

            “Excuse me, can you spray my feet?” Nanc asked the pool boy who was spraying off the side of the building. They had just walked the boardwalk until 11 when the bars opened, then took a stroll on the beach after a couple cocktails. “Huh?” the pool boy asked. Lauren met her father’s eyes and they shook their heads. “They’re sandy,” she said, pulling her perfectly pedicured foot out of her flipflop and pointing it at the man’s hose. Understanding dawned on the pool boy’s face and he began spraying off her foot. “Real classy hun.” Her father said laughing. “Come on kid, let’s go see if the room’s ready.” He said, putting a hand on her back. She led him to the motel office, leaving her mom to freshen up on her own.

XXX

            “How long does it take you to get out of the car?” Her father stared down at her mother as Lauren walked around the car and met them on the curb. They had finished settling into the room and decided to drive down to Cape May for dinner. “I don’t want to put money in the meter until you’re out or we’ll loose half an hour.”

            “Charming Phil,” her mother said as she once again tried to stand up to no avail. Lauren looked down at her mother’s struggle, “Your seatbelts still on,” she said. Her mother looked down at the contraption, “Oh.” She said, unbuckling the device. “I thought that was my purse strap.” She met Lauren’s eyes and they both laughed. Phil rolled his eyes and started putting the coins in the meter.

XXX

Lauren opened her eyes as the door to the room closed shut and her dad entered balancing three cups of coffee. “Morning!” He yelled in the direction of the other room so Nanc could hear. “It’s warm outside. Overcast but not raining!” He began mixing sugar and cream into the first coffee.

“Is it cold outside?!”  Nancy yelled from the other room. “No, it’s warm!” he yelled back putting sugar and cream into the next coffee. “Is it raining?!” Nanc yelled out to them. Lauren starting giggling, “Nope not raining!” Phil yelled back, amusement in his voice. He laughed, and turning to her, “How do you take your coffee kid?” “Black.” She said, stretching and sitting up. “Black, that’s right.” He said then turned around and poured a creamer into the last coffee. He handed it to her and she smiled up at him. “Oh.” He said, and they both burst into laughter again.

“I brought pastries back!” Phil yelled into the other room. “And bagels!” He was cut off as Nanc stretched loudly while yelling, “Oh GOD!” Phil turned to his daughter. “Probably shouldn’t have mentioned the bagels.” This sent them into another fit of giggles.

            “Why do you keep laughing at me?” Nanc called from the next room. “It’s cause you can’t hear us!” Lauren shouted back taking a sip of coffee with cream. “What?!” she yelled back, which just made them laugh harder. Phil shook his head, “I’d better go in there.” “Good luck.” Lauren said as he grabbed a cup of the counter and left the room.  A minute later she heard her mother say, “Why is there sugar in my coffee Phil? We’ve been married 40 years.”

The 15 Year Prom Grudge

            It was 9:30 when I heard my mom’s footsteps coming down the stairs. I turned to her as her eyes began adjusting to the light. “Oh, you’re still down here,” She said while walking over to the bed and lying down next to me. “Yup,” I said, trying to shake off my grogginess just enough to comprehend what she was saying but not so much that I couldn’t get back to sleep soon after. “The Misar’s are having a BBQ around two this afternoon and Barbara has specially requested your attendance.”

            This was weird, but not unusual for Nanc. Sometimes she got these ideas into her head and would start to act serious and adopt a slightly formal speech pattern because of them. At 33 years old I could tell something was amiss and that I wanted nothing to do with it. “I have work.” I said, turning my head back into the pillow. She put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “But not until 6. You could stop be for a little…” Then after a brief pause she said, “Is it because Darren will be there?”

I wasn’t sure where that came from. Darren Misar and I had run in the same circle of friends for approximately half a year while we were seniors in high school.  We had met maybe twice since then and, from my perspective, had always been cordial to each other. We weren’t friends.  It would be the equivalent to running into someone from high school you hadn’t seen in a while on the street, catching up for a few minutes, and then moving on with your lives without really sparing them another thought.  “No. Why would I care about that?” I asked, confused.

“Well, you just never seem to want to go over to their house.” She said, and she was right. I never wanted to go over to their house, because I would be bored out of my mind with nothing to do but make small talk. A past time I have neither enjoyed nor perfected. Daren Misar wasn’t even a blip on my radar.

“Can’t you just tell them I have work earlier?” I asked into the pillow. “I’m really not up for socializing today.” I had been gone for the better part of the weekend and it was a legitimate excuse.

“I’ll tell them you have work at 2, but next time I really want you to make an effort to come,” she said, getting up from the bed.

“Okay,” I responded, knowing that was never going to happen.

“It’s almost 12,” she called from the steps, “You should probably get up soon.”

I rolled over and picked up my phone: 9:37. I rolled onto my back trying to understand what just happened but quickly came to the realization that I didn’t care, there was no explanation for it, and there was no way I could get back to sleep.

I went upstairs to make some coffee, and passed a wall length window on my way to the kitchen. My dad was sitting on the ground hammering a brick into an empty space in the patio about an inch away from it. I knew I startled him when he looked up at me, so I smiled and waved. He gave me a big goofy grin and waved back, then went back to arranging the bricks in the hole. I snapped a picture and sent it to my two sisters, one blood related and the other everything but. The photo said #dadAquarium. 

This initiated a chat back and forth for a bit that finally lead to this conversation:

Kate:               So I’m in the car with my parents coming back from a wedding in VA. Some interesting conversations are happening.

Me:                  I can only imagine.

Kate:               Apparently you mom thinks you still have a grudge against Darren Misar for not taking you to prom?!

Danielle:         What?

Me:                  Did I ask him to prom? This explains why she woke me up at 9:30 to tell me that Barbara really wanted me to go to their BBQ today and that it was almost noon and I should get up.

Me:                  Everything was a lie!

Kate:               a) Did this really happen?

                        b) When was the last time you thought about it?

Me:                  Exactly!!

Kate:               Yes, this is exactly why. Today’s BBQ.

Me:                  I politely declined. Plus I have work tonight.

Kate:               Apparently she already told Barbara you wouldn’t go for this reason.

Me:                  Uh oh, the work reason or her mentally fabricated one?

Kate:               The prom story.

                        I’m dying laughing right now!!!

Me:                  Haha!! Well, whatever.

Kate:               Why is she talking about prom, is there any back-story here?

Me:                  I don’t know!!!

Me:                  Darren and I ran in the same group for a few months, but I’m pretty sure he was dating my friend Jamie. Also I’m gay.

Kate:               Well obviously you wanted him!

Me:                  Clearly.

Kate:               Anyone can tell from that story.

Danielle:         OMG, what? Why would a person who doesn’t like men hold such a grudge?

Me:                  Ha! Why would anyone hold this grudge?

Kate:               It’s just something you never get over…

Me:                  I’m so writing a novel about my life. This will def be in it.

Danielle:         My fake boyfriend rejected me from the prom!

Me:                  Not even: The boy I secretly wanted to be my fake boyfriend rejected me from the prom!

Me:                  Also that’s the book’s title.

Kate:               I’d read it.

Danielle:         I guess it’s less painful then “My kids think your kids suck.”

Kate:               I want to read you book then read the rival interpretation by Nanc.

Me:                  Oh my god, yes!!

Danielle:         Hahaha, I think mom’s bored from being retired and since there’s no work drama she needs to create her own.

Kate:               Nailed it, D.

Me:                  Ha! Exactly.

The conversation ended and tried to think back 15 years to my senior prom. I went with Jason, and flamboyantly gay man (though less so at the time), who was probably as closeted as I was. Well at school anyway. I laughed to myself, because this situation was just ridiculous. My family may be crazy, but it certainly kept life interesting.  

Learning to Flip

Lauren Montgomery is 24 years old, and living in San Francisco, California. Currently she is in a southern suburb, visiting her sister and recently titled brother-in-law.

Upon entry into the apartment Lauren notices a pull-up bar positioned in the center of the living room.

“When did you get a pull-up bar, and why is it in the center of the living room?” She asks, immediately walking over to check it out.

“Scotty bought it this morning and we haven’t found a place to keep it yet,” Says Danielle, following her over to the bar.

Lauren climbs on top and sits, surveying the room: a small living area with a galley sized kitchenette on the side. There is obviously no room for a free standing pull-up bar in the apartment.

Scotty emerges from the bedroom. “What are you doing up there?” he asks.

“Just sitting, now I’m flipping,” Lauren says, letting herself fall backwards. She kicks her lets behind her and lands on her feet with her arms still holding the bar.

“How’d you do that?” Scotty asks.

“What do you mean, ‘How’d she do that?’ everyone used to do that in elementary school on the playground,” Danielle says. She climbs onto the bar and expertly performs the same flip.

“Let me try,” Scotty says. He is noticeable better built then the present company and therefore feels he will have no problem with this new found maneuver.

Scotty pulls himself onto the bar in an actual pull-up, and sits on top. “What do I do now?”

 “Just fall backwards without letting go,” Lauren says.

“And kick your feet behind you as you fall,” Danielle adds.

“Alright, I’m gonna do it.” Scotty says, noticeably frightened. He silently counts to 3 and lets himself fall backwards, failing to kick his feet over.

“What are you doing?” Danielle asks.

“Just push the bar with your feet,” Lauren says.

“I can’t, I’m scared.” Scotty says, and starts to pull his feet between himself and the bar.

“Pussy,” Danielle says.

Scotty now has one of his legs through the bar, but has gotten the other one stuck on the heel of his sneaker. He is dangling in mid air, and begins to panic. “What if I fall on my head?”

“You’re one foot off the ground!” Danielle says.

“You won’t fall on your head, just lean forward and you’ll fall on your back,” Lauren says. Both girls are failing miserably at hiding their laughter.

Scotty decides to go for it, and quickly yanks his foot through the bar. He succeeds in knocking off his shoe which then kicks him in the face. He follows up by landing directly on his back. Looking up Scotty sees two women giggling like school girls, and knows it is at him.

“I could have broken my neck.” Scotty says.

“No you couldn’t,” says Danielle between fits of giggles.

Lauren cannot stop laughing long enough to comment.

Lauren Moves a Desk

Lauren Montgomery had been living back at home approximately 12 hours when her father informed her of his plans to turn his office into a sit down bar. She was immediately on board. One look at the office proved that the 15 year old L-shaped Staples press-board desk would have to move to the other side for optimal seating area. After a brief discussion with Phil:

“Hey Dad, can i move your desk?”
“Do what you gotta do kid, I'll be in the gazebo smoking my pipe.”

Lauren set into action. The desk would have to be cleared, but would it? If there was a possible way around this situation, she was going to find it. 15 years worth of crap was quite a task to undertake, and if Phil wanted the desk clean he could do it himself.

Lauren started with the front side, just to see if she could get it out of the grove, and quickly realized it wasn’t exactly attached to the desk as a whole. She moved to the corner, and tried to budge it, no dice. It was then that Lauren realized this was no one person job. Throwing open the screen door, she dashed to the gazebo to inform Phil of her plans.

“Jeese, it’s cold out here.”
“Yeah, it’s winter.”
“I need your help.”
“Can you give me 30 minutes here?”
“Aren’t you cold?”
“Doesn’t bother me.”

Lauren dashed back into the house, and made a cup of tea for herself in an old mysteriously acquired mug (really what mugs aren’t?), and one for her mother using the Port Marin China.  Warm liquid in hand, she found Nanc reclined in her favorite chair, reading cooking magazines.

“I brought you some tea.”
“Hmm? Oh, thanks hun.”
“I have to move the desk in Dad’s office.”
“Whatever would you want to do that for?”
“Dad wants to turn it into a bar.”
“Where is Dad?”
“In the gazebo.”
“He’d better stay out there, if he knows what’s good for him.”
“Will you help us move the desk?”
“No.”

Tea in hand, Lauren made her way back to the office to re-evaluate the situation. Upon further inspection of the under side Lauren came to the realization that if moved this desk would fall apart. She removed the overstuffed drawers, and set them out of the way. Figuring it better not to destroy the house’s only computer, 8 years old or not, Lauren dismantled and moved it as well. By the time Phil arrived there was only one thing left to do.

“I checked underneath, and i think it’ll break if we move it.”
“This old tank? no way.”
“Dad, it’s made of press board and some to the screws are breaking through.”
“Well, if it brakes, it brakes. You can just put it back together.”

Lauren noted the “you” but decided it was too late to turn back now.

“I’ll grab the corner, if you grab the side.”
“I think we’re going to need someone on the other side too. NANC!”
“She said she wouldn’t help.”
“Probably for the best. Come on, we’ll just drag it behind us.”

Phil picked up his side of the desk and motioned for Lauren to do the same. Phil began to pull his side which promptly broke off and fell on the ground.

“Don’t make any plans for today kid, you’re schedule just filled up.”

Lauren mentally canceled her plans.

“Well at least we can just move this big part.”
“Yeah, just stay where you are kid, I'll move this piece of shit and get on the other side.”

Phil moved the broken desk piece to the side and the two of them began half lifting, half dragging the desk across the carpet.

“Man this thing is heavy.”
“I told you, it was a tank.”

The words were not fully out of Phil’s mouth before the remaining legs of the desk proceeded to break off from under them. They put the desk top down, and as the contents spilled onto the floor.

“Well this sucks. Guess you don’t need me anymore though, it’s light enough to handle on it’s own.”

Phil went back to his gazebo, and Lauren went to Home Depot to buy some screw panels. Upon her return Lauren realized they owned no screws small enough to fit into the panels, and returned to home depot.

Once again Lauren set about putting the desk together by drilling some starter holes for the screws until the drill bit broke of in the press board. Lauren tried screwing without the bit,found it unsuccessful,and determined that this was enough for one day.
XXXXXXXXXX

Lauren awoke early the next day and was back from the home depot and drilling holes by 9:30am. At 9:38 the drill broke in her hand and the bit holding parts fell onto the floor. Upon inspection she determined it could not be fixed. Lauren found another drill in the laundry room with dead batteries. She promptly plugged them in, and found herself with nothing to do. Knowing that there was no worse feeling then the need to be productive without anything to be productive about, Lauren decided to clean her room. One hour later Phil shouted at her from downstairs.

“Hey kid, you know this drill’s broken right? You can charge all you want, but it won’t do you any good.”
“Do you have another drill?”
“No.”
“What am i supposed to do then?”
“Ask Popou.”

Popou was Lauren’s grandfather and lived in a house in back of their house that was connected by a screened in porch. Walking in Lauren headed into the smoke filled basement Popou frequently occupied. Cigar in mouth he greeted her.

“Good morning kid!”
“Good morning Popou. Do you have a drill i can use?”
“Sure, sure, it’s upstairs in the hall closet. How do you like it back here so far?”
“It’s been... interesting.”
“Not down here it hasn’t.”
“Maybe i should come down more often.”
“Of course, you can fix my VCR. What are you drilling?”
“Dad’s desk, it fell apart when we were moving it.”
“Whatever you say, just don’t let your father touch the drill.”
“Ok.”
“And bring it back when you’re done!”

New drill in hand Lauren was finally able to undertake the desk. Upon completion she organized the contents spilled over the office floor, rearranged Phil’s knickknacks in their proper spots, reattached the computer, and wired said computer in a way that made sense. She was just about through when Popou walked in.

“Hey kid, where’s my drill?”
“Sorry Popou, i just finished. I was about to bring it in.”
“Looks like you found a drill.” Phil said entering the office.
“Yeah, it’s mine, don’t even think about touching it.”
“Well you got the desk back together.”
“It looks like a piece of shit.” Popou said, servaying Lauren’s work. “You should stop being so cheep and buy yourself a new desk.”
“You know what Pop? You’re right. I haven’t had a new desk in 15 years. Let’s you and me go desk shopping tomorrow.”

Lauren returned the drill to it’s proper place, walked upstairs, slowly closed the door to her half cleaned room, laid down on her bed, and wondered just how long she was going to have to stay here.